11 New Years Resolutions for Our Favorite Characters

11 New Years Resolutions for Our Favorite Characters

first_img Sony Pictures CEO Says ‘Door Is Closed’ for Now on Spider-Man SplitMarvel Censors Criticism of America From Marvel Comics #1000 Stay on target Hopefully we’ve all slept off our New Year’s Eve festivities and are back to work (or whatever), ready to make 2019 a better year than the intense hellscape of 2018. But one of the most important elements of the year-changing holiday is the New Year’s resolution, where we make promises that we really intend to keep about making our lives better, from diet and exercise to not being so mean on Twitter. But New Year’s resolutions aren’t just for us flesh and blood humans — fictional characters can stand to make them as well. We put on our imagination hats to advise eleven of our favorites on changes to make in 2019.Lara CroftOne of the most thought-provoking stories in video games last year came in Shadow Of The Tomb Raider, Square Enix’s latest installment in the Lara Croft legacy. The game saw a young Croft in South America working to stave off an apocalyptic event that her own amoral archaeology was responsible for unleashing. As we become more aware of the impact of plundering other countries’ cultural treasures, it might be time for Lara to get some career counseling. Surely there’s a job out there for her that can use her significant skills in wall climbing and dual pistol wielding without being a glorified grave robber? It’s not like she needs the money, right?BatmanDC’s dark knight had a pretty bizarre 2018, from his aborted nuptials with Catwoman to his epic battle with a Jokerized alternate version of himself in Dark Knights: Metal. As the year turns over, he’s caught up in another struggle with arch-nemesis Bane that’s driving him to the brink of madness. So for Bruce Wayne, 2019 needs to be the year of self-care. Dial back on the drama a little bit and give yourself a chance to breathe. Maybe let the fifty different orphan kids that have been Robin do some of the heavy lifting and just chill in the Batcave with a cup of chamomile tea for a while. Gotham will be fine. Well, not “fine” exactly, but no worse than it already is.Kylo RenThe second Star Wars movie didn’t make Kylo Ren look all that great, as he both murdered his Supreme Leader and then got bamboozled by a spectral Luke Skywalker while pursuing revenge. He’s scheduled to return in Episode IX in 2019, and while we’re not foolish enough to advise him away from his collision course with Rey – there’d be no movie otherwise – one little piece of advice for the Sith lord we’d give is get some sunshine. Not only was the scene in which Ren took his shirt off to reveal a pale white rectangle of a torso extremely memeable, a lack of Vitamin D from the sun can contribute to depression and mood disorders. Hang out on Tatooine for a bit and catch some rays, buddy. It’ll do you good.DanteA new entry in the Devil May Cry series, returned to its roots after the badly-received Western reboot of 2013. The half-demon hunter is back to the traditional gray hair and over-the-top attitude, but will that be enough to bring him back in 2019? Our advice for the demon slayer is to embrace minimalism. Seriously, it has to be incredibly exhausting to remember all the special moves for the guy’s guns, swords, electric guitars and other weapons, let alone keeping them all clean and in good working order. Maybe calling a clutter consultant could help him organize his life more efficiently.Sabrina SpellmanNetflix’s edgy adaptation of the Archie comic universe’s resident witch was one of the streaming service’s biggest hits and most controversial offerings, with both devout Christians and grumpy satanists mad at it for different reasons. The second half of the first season is set to drop this year, and our advice to Sabrina is to get a good lawyer. Sure, Netflix handled the Satanic Temple’s lawsuit over the Baphomet statue, but she’s going to have to deal with the repercussions of signing her name in the Book of the Beast and pledging her soul to the Dark Master. Any decent attorney will point out that a minor under 18 can’t be held legally responsible in a contract situation.ThanosThe climax of Avengers: Infinity War managed to both be expected and shocking, as Thanos snapped his gauntleted fingers and instantly eradicated half of all life in the universe. In the film, his motivations are explained as wanting to cure universal overpopulation and resource scarcity, so for 2019 the big purple dummy’s resolution should be to take a basic economics class. Instead of resorting to mass murder with his theoretically unlimited powers, Thanos could have just made more resources and inhabitable planets, or doubled the size of the universe. It’s time to think outside of the box, dude.KratosThe protagonist of the God of War series underwent a pretty big evolution in 2018, from a snarling badass who banged background women for health orbs to a complex (and bearded) father trying to come to terms with his violent past. We hope that 2019 will be equally transformative for Kratos, and in service of that goal our resolution for him is to continue to deepen his relationship with son Atreus by taking a family vacation. The last time the duo hit the road together it was a blood-soaked rampage through the Norse lands, so why not go a little more traditional in 2019 with something like Disneyland? Leave the axe at home and eat a churro or something. Your boy will thank you for it.Wonder WomanAfter the dire slog that was Justice League and the candy-colored mess that was Aquaman, it’s easy to forget that Patty Jenkins’ 2017 Wonder Woman actually showed that a classic DC superhero movie can play it straight, embrace the mythology and still be good. So our advice for the Amazon princess with the bulletproof wrists in 2019 is simple: get some new friends. It’s time to kick the brooding bat-guy to the curb, forget about the League and start running with some heroes who can keep things light and fun while still getting the job done. That Shazam kid looks like he might be cool.Rick SanchezThe wild-haired scientist protagonist of Rick and Morty took the entire year of 2018 off, with not a single new episode aired. The show’s supposed to come back near the end of 2019, and we hope that he’s using the time off to check into rehab. The relentless alcohol abuse is the most boring aspect of the super-genius sociopath’s personality, and let’s be frank: there are untold comedic depths to plumb with a Rick not addled by the demon whiskey and forced to soberly wrestle with the vileness of his actions. So this is sort of a selfish resolution for our benefit as well, but we’re sure his liver will thank us.Daenerys TargaryenThe final season of Game of Thrones drops in 2019, and the Mother of Dragons ended the last one with a pretty terrible decision: boning her nephew Jon Snow. Of course, keeping track of all of the complex family interactions on the show is part of the challenge, but that doesn’t excuse incest. So for Dany, once all of the nonsense with the Night King is over and somebody’s butt is on the Iron Throne her resolution should be to get a 23andme DNA test. If you’re going to be sleeping around the Seven Kingdoms, it might be a good idea to do a little due diligence beforehand just to avoid any embarrassing situations at Thanksgiving.DeadpoolThe Merc with a Mouth had a very good 2018, but there’s always room for improvement. While we’re not willing to suggest that Wade Wilson up his firearms skills, one thing that might make him more tolerable is to head down to his local UCB franchise and take an improv class. Sure, busting out one-liners and breaking the fourth wall during heated battles can be fun and all, but he’s getting a bad reputation for stepping all over his allies. With a little more discipline, Deadpool can find himself a valued member of a collaborative troupe as opposed to the guy who hogs all the laughs. It’s 2019, time for a kinder, gentler sociopathic unkillable murderer for hire.More on Geek.com:New ‘Game of Thrones’ Season 8 Trailer Will Chill You to the Bone11 Coolest Toys of 2018Year in Photos: Best Science, Tech, and News Images of 2018last_img

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